Samantha starts First grade in a little over a week. Say what?! Yeah, First grade.
Where did my baby go? She’s lost in the jumble that is my PPD memories, and this makes my heart ache. I remember her birthday, and our time in the hospital. After that, much of it is a blur. A dark, overshadowed blur. Sure, I have pictures to remind me what she looked like, and a couple of videos, but those aren’t really memories.
Since I started getting help for my depression and anxiety a few years ago, things have been better. What I wouldn’t give to remember those early years, though. What her first words were, when she “crawled” for the first time (or what she considered crawling, which was really more of a crab walk of sorts), all those little momentous occasions that many parents write down in the child’s baby book are lost somewhere in my head. They will probably never be retrieved, so the best I can do is remember and make new memories.
Last year, when she started Kindergarten, we were both so excited. As the year went on, she faced some struggles with her crying and subsequent behavior, so it wasn’t as smooth as I had hoped. Now that she is starting First soon, my anxiety is running overtime. I want her to do well, and I want her to be able to control herself. I want this year to be awesome. I want her to enjoy school as much as I did. She just needs to control the emotional side of her, and be confident! The girl is a smartie pants, and I know she will do well if she can just rein it in.
She wants to ride the bus the first day. It’s not even here yet, and I’m already nervous and sad. I wont get to walk her up to the school, have a pep talk, and send her on her way. Now I have to stay back, and just wave at the bus as it drives away with my not so little girl. Sigh, this isn’t about me, but my anxiety is so strong about this, that it’s becoming about me. In my head. I suppose that’s the point of this blog, to get the jumbled mess of thoughts out.
Where did my baby go? I feel guilty for not being “there” the first years, so maybe that is why there is so much anxiety about letting go. Why must it be so hard? Why must they grow so fast? Why must I be crying about it already? haha
All I can do is hope it turns out great, and that she has the best year yet. It’s fun watching her learn new things, and discover who she is.
I think I just found the thought I need to hold onto.